The Lady of the Night

by Shirley Gnome

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about

Recorded live at Little Mountain Gallery in Vancouver, Canada.

credits

released February 8, 2015

All songs written and performed by Shirley Gnome
with a little help from Steph Butler on The Glitter Song.

Audio Engineering/Mixing/Mastering - Shafer Carson
Graphic Design: Leanne Padgett
Photography: Kia Rae

tags

license

all rights reserved

about

Shirley Gnome Vancouver, British Columbia

Shirley Gnome is a self-styled white trash burlesque and comedy performer. Singing her special brand of dirty, crass, and absurd "cuntry" music, Shirley belts out original tunes about the embarrassing, hilarious, and titillating adventures that happen when bodies collide. ... more

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Track Name: Hipster Vagina
HiPSTER VAGiNA

i got a hot new trend
hiding in my pants
a sleek and indie treasure
you might know about perchance

but i wouldn't be surprised
if you don't know what i mean
it's really only known
in the underground scene

have you heard about
my hipster vagina?
hip between my hips
but it's not easy to find, oh
because for a vagina, it's pretty obscure
you might not have yet
even heard of it at all

well it loves tight pants
but not the sensation
leaves nothing but a camel toe
to the imagination

and it thinks that mainstream porn
is really kinda weird
i guess that would explain the
bushy hipster beard

loves the feeling of the seat
of a retro fixie bike
no brakes and lots of bumpy roads
that's what it really likes

it also gets creative
like the paintings done in France
it makes abstract art
in my underpants

have you heard about
my hipster vagina?
so cool it has two labias, a major and a minor
it's known in smaller crowds
but it gets bigger all the time
you might not have yet
got to see it in it's prime

well if you talk to it ironically
then you might score
i hope it doesn't smell like
a second hand store

it pretends it doesn't care
but that's not true at all
'cause the one's who say they don't give a fuck
give the most fucks of them all

so now you know about my hipster vagina
pretty unknown but go and set a timer
'cause pretty soon you'll see
just how trendy it will be
and everyone will want this vagina
when it goes mainstream
Track Name: Horrible Sex Dream
you're just somebody
i know but not really
you're a friend of a friend
and i guess you're alright

i can honestly say
i don't find you attractive
but you were inside of my
dream last night

in the magical sleep time
you took all your clothes off
i was super turned on
but i wasn't awake

while i was sleeping
the images creeping
around in my brain
we'll they're hard to explain

horrible sex dream
sex dream about you
woke up in a cold sweat
i tried to forget
horrible sex dream
worst thing i've ever seen
i gotta let it, i
i gotta let it go

your ass inflated
you got down on all fours
you wiggled your bum
and yelled "climb aboard!"

i got on top of you
and rode you around and
then we fucked you made
walrus sounds

why did we do it
on the teletubbies set
that is so
inappropriate

when you came you yelled
"YOU AND i ARE ONE!"
and then spiders came tumbling
out of your dick

horrible sex dream
sex dream about you
woke up in a cold sweat
i tried to forget
horrible sex dream
worst thing i've ever seen
i gotta let it, i
i gotta let it go

the next time i saw you
we were at a party
you said hello i just
screamed and ran off

i know it's irrational
and kind of insane
but when i see you i see spiders
coming out your penis, again and again
and again and again…

horrible sex dream
sex dream about you
i shouldn't have blamed you
for the things in my brain
a horrible sex dream
it doesn't mean anything
you're not to blame
for my sleepy time shame
i'm not to blame
for my sleepy time shame
no-one's to blame
for my sleepy time shame
except for maybe HBO
and the cheese that i ate

BAD DREAM!
Track Name: Time of the Night
it's that time of the night
when the moon has long since risen
but you're too drunk to notice yeah
you're a fucked up piece of shit

and you're texting with your phone
you're trying to get a hold of your ex
at first you hide it but then you say
(incoherent mumbling) sex

ooh
i bet you're really gonna regret that tomorrow
ooh
you know texting your ex it was a bad idea
ooh,
in the morning light there's shame and sorrow
but hopefully nobody knew
hope everyone was blackout drunk like you,
ooh

so you didn't get to fuck someone
and the emptiness is a bitter taste
so you buy that late night hot dog
and yell "i'm gonna fuck this hot dog
with my face"

you get mad and you find your dad
and you yell at him for never raising you right
and i gotta drag you away and tell you
you've been yelling at a picture of Tom Selleck all night

ooh,
well now i know why you don't like guys with mustaches
ooh,
you know doing that in public was a bad idea
ooh,
'cause in the morning light there's shame and sorrow
'cause as it turns out somebody knew
somebody wasn't blackout drunk like you

yeah you've been drinking far too much
but me i'm fine, yeah you're the lush
tonight i said i'd drive your car
stay away from the hard bar and i'm

taking care of you my dear
don't you mix the gin up with the beer but you
look at me and you just smile and say
(incoherent mumbling)

i try to stop you oh but no
you seem to have places to go
you knock me down onto the floor
and you run right out the door

so it's that time of the night
when you take a dump in an alleyway
it smells so bad you puke on your own shit
and now it's time to drink and drive

but when you hit that dog
you get out to see if the dog is dead,
but you breathe a big sigh of relief
'cause it wasn't a dog
it was just a midget

and i know you're not gonna regret that tomorrow
you always said you never believed that
midgets were people
and in the morning lights there's no shame, no sorrow
but hopefully nobody knew
no witnesses to see your crime
or vomit covered poo
Track Name: Love Fading Away
i wanna say
without you i would die
but if you stayed i would die as well
we all die eventually

i wanna say without you
i'd be lost
but that's because i have no
sense of direction
and you're the one with the
smart phone

i'll never love this way again
until i fall in love again
which i would do
if this fell through
'cause my heart is big and i'm horny too

the thought of our love fading away
to be honest it would be okay
there's a lot of other people that i could fuck
the fact that i'm with you is mostly out of luck but

but i need you
i need you
i need you
to get things off the top shelf
'cause i'm too short i
can't do it by myself

and baby if you cheated on me
i'd be so sad
but then i'd realize you were a douche
and i'd menstruate onto all of your clothes

baby we've been fighting
i was wrong and i'm crying so hard
on second thought, go fuck yourself
there's no way kirk is better than picard

i'd wait forever for you
but forever is kind of abstract
so i'd wait for a reasonable amount of time
and then i'd try to call your phone back

the thought of our love fading away
to be honest it would be okay 'cause
love's not a thing that you gotta force
i think that's why they call it beating off a dead horse

don't leave me
don't leave me
don't leave me
all the dishes to do
by myself
'cause it's your turn if you
do them i'll still help

you know they say that
you're nobody til
somebody loves you but
well there's been many times when
nobody's loved me at all
but how can i be nobody
when i've always got my sweet sweet body
so if you say see ya later
i'd still have my vibrator

the thought of our love fading away
to be honest it would be okay
sometimes you gotta roll when the tune don't rock
'cause nobody likes to fuck a soft cock

they call it pushing rope
they call it soft serve
they call it noodles and cheese
but i still want to connect
at least while our love
is erect
Track Name: Not For Me I Guess
you hold me in your arms
you look at me and say
you're my old lady, my sexy mama
wanna be with you every day

i try to find that sweet
but it's like you just dropped a bomb
'cause you said i was attractive
but you also said that i was your mom

and then you said - "who's your daddy"
it didn't quite turn me on
so i said he's the man who lives in a house
with the woman that is my mom

you looked at me confused
i must have looked it too
but i don't wanna picture my dad's face
while i'm having sex with you

maybe its just me
but i'm not turned on
sexually
well maybe i'm hung up
but calling me your mama it
seems kinda fucked up
and i don't wanna call you daddy
when you're getting me undressed
parent fucking and incest well it's
really not for me i guess

you look at me and you smile
you say "i didn't mean it that way"
you say "baby baby pretty baby
that's just something i like to say"

you just called me a baby
yes you did don't like
'cause i'm the woman you have sex with
and you called me an attractive child

maybe i'm just stoned
and i'm thinking far too much but
why do we call each other infants
when we're sexually active adults

maybe it's just me
but i'm not turned on
sexually
'cause don't you think it would be sick
if i called you a toddler while i sucked your dick
so i'm not gonna call you baby
when you're playing with my breasts
the baby rapin' that you suggest well it's
really not for me i guess

then you say to me
"i wanna do it doggystyle"
ooh you say to me
"right in your pussy"

why would you pretend to be a dog
and then have sex with my cat
please don't have sex with my cat
i don't think she'd like that

well maybe it's just me
but once you see it,
you can't un-see
maybe i'm hung up
are people just so fucked up
we gotta find a way around this
just do the things we both like to do
so let's stick to the normal stuff
lie down
i'm gonna pee on you
yeah yeah
Track Name: Hooker
i went looking for a man
just to hold his hand
up against my clam
'til he knew how to shazam me

i didn't want his money
i just wanted his honey
honey is a metaphor
for penis

i'm an independent lady
i ain't nobody's baby
but i'm undereducated
and i'm really poor

early in the morning
with no apparent warning
he paid for my breakfast
i didn't expect this

i would have fucked him for free
but i didn't stop him from buying it for me
it was hard to deny the smell of bacon
and my belly was aching

am i a hooker now
am i a hooker now
'cause technically i don't see
the difference between me
and women advertising
their pricy punani

i'm a hooker now
exchanging my vagina
for meal down at the diner
i'm a hooker now
i think that i'm a hooker now

why hadn't i discovered this before?
eggs with a side of
feeling like a dirty whore

will it be easier to tempt me
if my fridge at home is empty

my friends say
"you gotta let him be the man"
but that just don't feel right
i'd rather he put his mouth where his money is
oh he can blow it all in one night

then again
birth control make up and tampons
they don't really pay for themselves
and an orgasm is really nice but it
won't fill up my shelves

free drinks at the bar
less hassle at the border
better tips for titties
when you take their order

all that we do
can come with a reward
if we can get
a penis hard

are we all hookers now
a bunch of hookers in the night
'cause technically i don't see
the difference between me
and women who demand
a little money for their clam

are we all hookers now
exchanging a vagina
for a life a little finer
are we hookers now
i think that we're all hookers now

but a ten dollar breakfast
for fucking all night
that's pretty inexpensive
it's a bargain price

would it be worse
if i did it for free
or should i ask for more
it's confusing me

city nights, filthy dives
gender fights and trophy wives
now i know why people call it
nature's wallet

all the women who independent
throw your hands up at me
all the honeys who makin' money
throw your hands up at me
all the mommas who profit dollas
throw your hands up at me
or just throw money, please throw your money
i'm so fucking hungry

but here's the solution i see
you don't need to buy me a meal or a drink to fuck me
no you don't need to spend a dime
to get your sexy vagina time

instead, if you could insist
in your daily life, in any way that you can
to work towards a world where women get paid the same amount
for the same job as a man

then i will totally suck your dick
so get to it and get to it quick
if you smash that glass ceiling down
i'm gonna grab your body and go to town

and if you help the little girls of the world
go to school so they can learn how to read
then i'll do fisting or anal or threesomes or anything
you sexually need

i will fuck the shit out of you
yes i will fuck the shit out of you
i know it seems kind of strange but i'll be
a hooker for positive change
Track Name: You Are The Sun
it's what you do
not what you say
that makes you who
you are today
words are light
and action weighs a ton

and although i say
that i'm okay
i'm pretty drunk
and its midday
i'm pant-less and i'm screaming at the sun

the sun you see
it talked to me
and that sounds nuts
but hopefully
it's just the drugs and drinking that i've done

but i see the sun
and i feel the sun
then the sun yells
"i'm the moon"
oh no you're not
fuck you you are
the sun

'cause between the breezes
and the trees
there's not a move
that disagrees
we watch them know
each other when they meet

so fuck you sun
you are the one
who lied in front of
everyone
stop saying that
you're not the fucking sun

why am i irrationally
angry at the sun
i am yelling in the street
in front of everyone
you know this really all started
on the day i got dumped
i got my heart blown up
like it's dynamite

while kissing me
he did pretend
that everything
was on the mend
but said he would rather be
with someone else that day

he said
"let's just keep kissing, this is fine
your make up looks good when you cry
oh yes and happy birthday, by the way"

well saying that it's all okay
it doesn't make things change that way
it made me feel insane, but i know why

it was like he was
stabbing me
with a novelty machete while he
yelled out "i'm a nice and friendly guy!"
stab stab stab

so i see the sun
and i feel the sun
when the sun says
"i'm the moon"
i say whatever helps you sleep at night
'cause it's what you do
not what you say
that makes you who
you are today
i think that i'll go sit upon the lawn
and watch the setting sun until it's gone
but i don't want to put my pants back on
Track Name: Period Songs
when the blood comes out
the tampon goes in
when the blood comes out
the tampon goes in
when the blood comes out
the tampon goes in
and to answer your question it
doesn't feel good

i don't get turned on putting in a tampon
i don't get turned on putting in a tampon
i don't get turned on putting in a tampon
it does not feel good at all

ridin' ridin' that cotton pony
ridin' ridin' that cotton pony
ridin' ridin' that cotton pony
never felt good at all

baby you make me laugh so hard
i laughed so hard it made my tampon
come right out

it fell down my leg and
it rolled under the table i guess
this is a thanksgiving we'll
never forget
yeah
Track Name: Believe In Yourself
they say it's impossible
they shit on your dreams
but don't listen to them because
it's not what it seems

they try to tear you down
say you're a hopeless fool
to give up and to smarten up
the world can be so cruel

don't listen to the haters
forget all that stuff
you can put anything up your vagina
if you try hard enough

so believe in yourself
you can do anything
trust in yourself
and you'll have everything

a cucumber, a dozen eggs
or a can of mountain dew
there's nothing that you can't shove
deep inside of you

the vagina is a hell of a drug
a powerful force of life
it can birth a 10 pound baby
it can make sweet love all night

my friend told me that it can fit
a whole bottle of wine
i asked her how she knew she said she
read it online

but i could see right through her
i knew that she had tried
i could tell by the way she walked away
waddling side to side

so believe in yourself
you can do anything
get your hands dirty and try
it's the only time
when having kids
will make something
easier to do
so come on moms lets see what those
humongous cunts can do

compared to all the objects
you can shove in your hoo hoo
there are so many things that are harder
to get inside of you

like the feeling of belonging
or a little self-esteem
hope for the future
hope for your dreams

in a world that always tells you
you're not good enough
well an orange, or the handle of a frying pan
that's the easy stuff
so believe in your
expansive muff

you don't need a purse
you don't need a bag
all you need is you
check your asshole there might be
some room in there too
believe in yourself
Track Name: Gather 'Round
gather 'round
listen to the sound go

our arms around each other
like a sister or a brother

i feel so close to all of you
we are one and we are true

but now i think that we all know
this whole place smells like b.o.

the odours mix together
like farts and old wet leather

it'll have to end sooner or later
like being stuck in a farty elevator

but to say something would be rude
no-one wants to kill the mood

so let's keep swaying side to side
and our disgust we'll try to hide

well i've had my fun thank-you so now
sing one more time and sit back down
Track Name: The Glitter Song
i'm a devastating diva with perfect pitch
i'm a bonefied busty buxom bad-ass bitch
but i drink too much, i make poor life choices
i woke up in a ditch

just me and my bike
piled up in a heap
guess i didn't take a cab
'cause i'm too cheap
that's the best i can guess
'cause my memory's a mess
at least i'm still wearing my dress

that's when it hit me
in the morning light
under my clothes
something wasn't right
i took a peak underneath, what did i find
mystery glitter where the sun don't shine

whose glitter, glitter is this
all over my clitoris
i've had a shower twenty-five times
but i can't get the glitter off this vulva of mine
whose glitter, whose glitter
whose glitter is this
all over, all over
the place where i piss, yeah
ooh

glitter when i sneeze
glitter when i cough
it's been a couple weeks
and i still can't get it off
i know what they say now
i know what they shout
glitter is like herpes and
i am breaking out
glitter in my panties
glitter in my shoe
when i took a dump
there was glitter in my poo
glitter on my clothes
on everything i've worn
i think i might have fucked
a unicorn

but when i saw my reflection
i looked so good
like a diamond in the rough
with all these sparkles on my muff

sure it's itchy and it's scratchy
and it burns down below
but the glitter in my soul
is like the glitter on my hole

this glitter, glitter is bliss
all over my clitoris 'cause
i've had a shower twenty-five times
but i never want the glitter off this
vulva of mine
i gotta have it
i gotta have it
now that i've tried, so tell me
where did that unicorn
where did that unicorn
where did that unicorn hide?
i wanna go for another ride

shine bright like vagina
shine bright like vagina
shine bright like vagina
beautiful diamonds between our thighs
shine bright like vagina
shine bright like vagina
shine bright like vagina
shine bright like vagina