Ho Down

by Shirley Gnome

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credits

released April 17, 2009

Walk-up Texas Ranger - Bass
Rusty Cockle - Washboard
Salt Lik Nik - Spoons
Kernel Kazoostavic - Kazoo/Ukelele

Produced By Marty "Eddy" Slats

Recorded At Harbourside Studios

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all rights reserved

about

Shirley Gnome Vancouver, British Columbia

Shirley Gnome is a self-styled white trash burlesque and comedy performer. Singing her special brand of dirty, crass, and absurd "cuntry" music, Shirley belts out original tunes about the embarrassing, hilarious, and titillating adventures that happen when bodies collide. ... more

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Track Name: Big Hard Imagination
Baby baby you are so sweet
you love me so tender and you're so discreet
your lips are soft and your touch is gentle
you are so kind and sentimental

but sometimes baby, that just ain't right
its not gonna cut it every single night
i don't think its asking that much at all
if once and a while,
you fuck me up against the wall

oh...

rip off my clothes and slap me hard
tear out my hair throw me off of my guard
talk to me dirty until I'm in shock
lets see what you can do with that big hard
imagination....

now i know what you're thinking
cuz you're such a nice man
how can you love me
like i say that you can?

well i know that you love me
and i love you more
so its okay if you
treat me like a whore

throw me across the room, take me by surprise
we were meant to be together, unlike my thighs
make me scream until I can't walk
oh how I love your big hard
imagination....

Oh lovely lady you got such a purdy smile I
love your sultry voice and your southern style. Well
she's a busy woman I don't wanna crowd'er, just
wanna dip m'spoon in yer clam chowder

Sweet sweet lady tell me how could this end, well we could
go up to my room and just play pretend
You got me woman, I know this fer sure, so
I apologize if I'm a little premature

ohh....

Punch me in the face and give my ass a squeeze I know you
love to hear me beggin when I'm on my knees
order me woman cuz my love's in stock, call
now and I'll throw in a extra big, hard....
imagination.

but a woman needs affection
a woman needs romance
but she also needs a good hard fuckin'
so take off your goddamn pants!

and....

scratch my back, give me a bite
wearing out the mattress, holding me tight
i love you baby, you really do rock
my world with your big hard
imagination

but by that
i mean
cock
Track Name: Masturbation Over Breakfast
monday morning
the alarm went off
my bed was so cozy
and my sheets so soft
i looked at the clock
and i let out a moan
but breakfast wasn't gonna
cook on its own

there's something bout the morning
with the sun so bright
well how can it be wrong
when it feels so right
though i knew i'd go hungry
if i i took too long
i turned off the alarm
and i turned me on

i chose....
masturbation over breakfast
what a tasty treat that I did not eat
i like my orgasm over easy
makes me sizzle like bacon from my head to my feet

i've got nothing on but the radio
and time seems to go oh so very slow
with a flick of my wrist i was in the midst
of a tidal wave of pleasure i could not resist

so i sighed and i giggled
and i checked the clock
i saw that i spent too much time
thinking bout big hard cock

so i jumped out of bed
my tummy said "goddamn!"
but it was drowned by the "thank-you"
of my happy little clam

cuz i chose
masturbation over breakfast
who needs food when you're in the mood
wakes me up better that a cup of coffee
what a positive attitude

i give my pearl a whirl
instead of eating cereal
i think i'll touch myself
leave the granola on the shelf
go between my legs
and forget the eggs
gonna self seduce
and skip past the juice
spend some time with me
instead of coffee and tea
oh my legs will shake
but i don't need a pancake
give the two finger salute
instead of chopping up some fruit
because its me I love the most
i won't have any toast

well the day is done
and what a day!
after such a lovely morning
everything just went my way

now morning stimulation
is a habit I might keep
but i might wack off just to get to sleep
to sleep
wack off and go to sleep goodnight i'm spent
doodley doo doo...
Track Name: Spoonin' Blues
Spooning with my baby
all through the night
spooning with my baby oh it
never felt so right
oh sweet little baby
you always do the trick
but I just couldn't help myself
I totally farted on your dick

Sleeping was my baby
Don't think he was awake
Sleeping was my baby
Won't make the same mistake
oh I'm gonna clench up my asshole
so nothing spoils the mood
but my sphincter disagreed
and let out a stinker so loud and rude

Stirring was my baby
Was it the smell or the sound
Oh if he wakes and realizes
will he ever come back around
Oh sweet little baby
you know I'm not to blame
I'll never let that man take me
out for Indian food again

But snoring was my baby
no witness to the crime
looks like I got lucky
and bought myself some time
oh my my my I'm so relieved
we've got a bright future ahead
but right when I relaxed
I totally shit the bed
Track Name: The Backpack Song
i was lying in bed with the
man i'll love until i'm dead
cozy inside our little love shack

he turned and said to me
when you are spooning me
you feel like a tiny little backpack

i will be your backpack
crawl into our napsack
get inside my fanny pack
i've been so all alone

cuddle up against your back
press into you with my rack
knick knack paddy whack
Shirley wants to bone

but sometimes
i need some goddamn space
get your fucking stinky neck out of my
mother fucking face
you smell like a gym sock
you haven't bathed in days, oh no
get the hell off my side
i need to starfish real wide
let my arms and legs stretch out so wild and free
you know you snore when you drink
and your breath it fucking stinks

well i was feeling really silly
cuz i woke up really chilly
and my man was sulking on the other
side of the bed
so i rubbed him and apologized
boy oh boy was i surprised
he turned around to face me and
he smiled and then he said

i'll always be your backpack
no matter where the napsack
there's never gonna be a lack i'll
spoon you to the tomb

you are such a tasty snack
hit you with my love attack
boom shakalakalakalakalaka
boom
boom shakalakalakalakalaka
boom
Track Name: Men Like To Come On My Face
men like to come on my face
men like to come on my face
sometimes on my chest
and sometimes on my ass
but they mostly come on my face

it doesn't matter what age
it doesn't matter what race
if they've been watching porn
you better be forewarned
they're gonna want to come on your face

just the men!

men like to come on my face
men like to come on my face
sometimes on my chest
and sometimes on my ass
but they mostly come on my face

everybody!

men like to come on my face
men like to come on my face
sometimes on my chest
and sometimes on my ass
but they mostly come on my face
Track Name: Penis Hand
me and my lover
under the covers
fucking in the morning light
he said "how bout a jack
while i look at your rack?"
i said "i think i just might."

we huffed and we puffed
just a cock and a muff
didn't get to wash at alls
went off to work
but that innocent jerk
left the lingerin' scent of your balls
the lingerin' scent of your balls

well i hope nobody will notice
that my hand smells like a penis

customer service
this girl, this perv, this
lady made a big mistake
she's selling you wine
for 10.99 and
waiting for a bathroom break, singing

hickory dickory dock
my hand smells like a cock
the cock shot one
big load of cum
hickory dickory dock

well i got myself a plan
i'm gonna wash my penis hand

don't tell anybody but i guess
baby i
i like the linger that you
leave on me its true
cuz i take you wherever i go
and everything i touch
smells like you
just a whiff of your dick
makes me wanna just quit
just a whiff of your dick
makes me wanna just quit

well i took my chances
but the funny glances
never ceased to stop
the day i began with this
pungent gentleman
is the day i got the chop

i went on home
got on the telephone
and my words made m'lover throb
i said take a dip
into my pink slip
all i got left is a handjob

i guess my boss could notice
that my hand smells like a penis

prick paw!
meat mitt!
pecker palm!
love glove!
fuck fingers!
cum knuckles!
dong digits!

penis hand!
penis hand!
penis hand!
Track Name: Blew My Load
all you men
worried bout your staying power
don't wanna be a minute man
wanna last the whole damn hour

well let me ease your mind
cuz you're not the only one
women they can come too soon
and i'll show you how its done

here's a story
here's a story
here's a story

seldom told
of how a woman
can blow her load
blow her load

i met a boy and
boy he made me hot
i banged him at a party
and i don't think he forgot

cuz he called me very soon
said he was coming by
he'd be there in the nighttime
and make everything allright

now i'm lying in bed
just thinking bout it
he's going come over
and we're gonna have sex
show me watcha got
cuz you make me so hot and
i just wanna
feel your touch

oh no...
i touched myself
and blew my load
blew my load

i couldn't help myself
i went ahead and blew my load
i blew my load

its just the..
thought of loving you
its just so exciting

sometimes i just can't wait for you
i don't mean to be uninviting

cuz now i got no energy
i fucked myself to sleep
so go ahead and leave
my boner is gone
its long long gone
all i got is a wizard's
sleeve

so come back tomorrow
we'll try again
try and get it
on
cuz i think you so hot
and you get me so hot
think about your cock
going into my mouth now
sex me up
give me the good stuff
cuz i want to fuck
i want to fuck
i want to fuck

oh no...
singing that song
made me blow my load
blow my load
Track Name: The Safety Word
your mistress demands
you take off your pants
tell me you like me
whipping your ass

i'll strap on a dick
and in you i'll stick it
hard, until you
say the safety word

fear my rage
your cock's in a cage
finger your asshole
with chili paste

attach 20 amps
to both nipple clamps
but know that you can say
the safety word

oooh..
you can't come yet
ooh..
you're not allowed, my pet

collar and chain
fill you with pain
drag you round
the room again

you cannot cry now
cum in your own eye...
but know that
you can say
the safety word...
the safety word...

(banana, banana oh my God!)