C​*​untry Music

by Shirley Gnome

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  • Compact Disc (CD) + Digital Album

    Shirley's sophomoric CD, C*untry Music, features a compliment of professional musicians playing actual instruments. As a result, the album legitimately sounds like real music. Full studio production lends legitimacy to gloriously frank tales of anal romance, botched threesomes, and monogamous compromises. Digipack CD case.

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  • Full Digital Discography

    Get all 6 Shirley Gnome releases available on Bandcamp and save 25%.

    Includes unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality downloads of TikTakTrax, The Glitter Song (Remix), The Lady of the Night, The Christmas Song, C*untry Music, and Ho Down. , and , .

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1.
Old Man 03:40
OLD MAN VERSE D Em A You got balls like the jowls on a mastiff D Em A You got grey hair where there was no grey before G D Well your ass is flabby and your face is too G D Yer wrinkly and yer smelly and I'm so into you Em A D Oh, oh, oh I wanna fuck you old man D Em A Sure you're covered in all them liver spots, D Em A But you've been around the block, and you know how to get a woman hot G D Yer arthritic hands got just the right curve G D To give me the pleasure that I deserve Em A D Oh, oh, oh I'm gonna fuck you old man. G D I love it when you wheeze in my ear G D Yer wheezing all the things that I wanna hear Em A *wheeze wheeze* Where am I? G D After we're done we'll go get a good meal G D The senior's special is quite a good deal Em But I ain't in it for the cash, I just A wanna run my hands down your diaper rash Yeah, yeah (instrumental verse) D Em A Now I don't say these things to make you feel blue D Em A You know sometimes I wish I could take my teeth out too G D So let me stroke your balding head G D I think its really great that you can't get outta bed Em A D Oh, oh, oh I'm gonna fuck you old man D Am Old man take a look at your balls they go Em G Flap flap flappity flip flip a flippidy D Am I need somebody's balls to go Em G Slap slap slappidy right into my junkity D Am Ah, one look at my thighs and you Em G Take that blue pill so you can make a spunkidy D Am Old man take a look at your balls they go Em Flap flap flappidy flip flop a flippidy Flap flap flappidy flip flop a flippidy Flap flap flappidy flip flop a flippidy Flap flap flappidy flip flop a flippidy doo! (Instrumental Verse w/ vocal improv) Em A D Oh, oh, oh, I fuck an old man... Em A D Oh, oh, oh, I fuck an old man.... Em A D Oh, oh, oh, I fuck an old man... Em A D Oh, oh, oh, you're retired.
2.
MENAGE AU TWAT A my lover came and he said to me Bm I got a little fantasy G its all about you F its all about her A and its all about me A we can go home and enjoy each other Bm there's so much more love with another lover G don't tell me F you can't see the A beauty of her C#m A its all about the foreplay so C#m A forget about her vajayjay C#m D Dm to turn this down you'd be crazy, Shirlay A Cm D so why don't you and me, E make one plus two make three? A well that's really great A but i'm really straight A so get her away from me D A get her stinky vagina E A right out of my face D A get her stinky vagina E Dm right out of my face well he stopped me right there on the patio stairs put his hands in me underwears suddenly, he got more persuasive maybe it was the bottle of whiskey drinking that shit always makes me frisky cuz before ya knew it we were getting down to it 2nd basin' don't knock it til you try it you can bake or steam or fry it now i won't just imply it cuz all of us got nakee and crawled into my bed... it was all really great but i'm still really straight just like I thought! so get that stinky vagina right out of my face i don't care how drunk i am the vag is a nasty place Cm A its like a baby slug Cm A crawled into a peach Cm A and the peach began to rot Cm A and it got all rubbery Cm A and then it rolled under the couch Cm A and it got covered in hair Cm A and then that chick she went and found it Cm D and shoved it in her underwear Dm ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww so i said to him i won't do this again cuz I think you're great but I'll always be straight that's why I like fucking you how bout next time bring over another dick cuz now you owe me E A one man on each tit! E A one man on each tit! E A and one hand on each dick!
3.
JAMES AND THE GIANT PEACH Em G my friend came up to me Am D he said "I gotta make this quick, Em G i gotta real big confession to make, Am Em (clap clap) and it's that i have a tiny dick Am Em (clap clap) i have a tiny little baby dick. (pause) I said, "well hey, that's great, I guess but why you telling me? you know i love the massive cock or my name ain't Shir-a-ley or my name ain't shir-a-ley. He said, "i think you're wrong about the dong and how it must be hung cuz i make up for everything with the way i use my tongue the way i use my tongue those G stupid fucks with their big wheel trucks Am chrome nuts on the back A Em trying to make up all they lack with their ride G yeah the well equipped that don't move their hips Am their junk is just for pride it won't A keep her satisfied Em G i got a winky, i got a thumbtack yeah Am D yeah i'm not afraid to say Em G i gotta weewee, i got a stumpy Am D but it don't get in my way Em G cuz a woman's soul is a bottomless hole Am D but the vag 4 inches deep Em G with all this skill you'll get your fill Am Em (clap clap) and never get to sleep Am Em (clap clap) you won't never get to sleep yeah..... Em, G, Am, D Em, G, Am, Em Am, Em my mind was blown and overthrown i knew he hadn't lied i'd screamed so loud for the well endowed but left unsatisfied but, "sometimes you just can't beat a big ol' piece of meat cuz a giant schlong's like a perfect song it both can and can't be beat. it both can and can't be beat." he just laughed, and did some math and said, "if what i got, just ain't enough, you can buy that stuff and any dildo store, and oh so so much more" those G stupid fucks with their big wheel trucks Am chrome nuts on the back A Em trying to make up all they lack with their ride G yeah the well equipped that don't move their hips Am their junk is just for pride it won't A keep her satisfied Em G i got a winky, i got a thumbtack yeah Am D yeah i'm not afraid to say Em G i gotta weewee, i got a stumpy Am D but it don't get in my way Em G cuz a woman's soul is a bottomless hole Am D but the vag 4 inches deep Em G with all this skill you'll get your fill Am Em (clap clap) and never get to sleep Am Em (clap clap) you won't never get to sleep G C D Is your dick like james, and your balls are a giant peach? G C D like the shit you see when you're walking down wreck beach? Am G all those nudes got attitudes they walkin around so proud Am D but i know what they're looking for is someone to yell out loud i love your weenie your cocktail weenie gimme that juicy baby pickle I wanna eat your mini corn dog you gotta give it all to me cuz a woman's soul is a bottomless hole the vag four inches deep all this skill get your fill never get to sleep never get to sleep break it down now E, E, E, E, B, D E, E, E, E, B, D If you're confidant put yo hands up If you don't give a fuck put yo hands up If yo style is slick put yo hands up if you gotta small dick put yo hands up if you gotta small dick put yo hands up if you got a baby carrot put your hands up if your balls are like marbles put your hands... too soon? Em G Am D Em G Am D Em G skinamarinkydinkydink, Am D skinamarinky doo, Em G i don't care how small it is, I'll Am D still have sex with you Em G I fuck you in the morning in the afternoon, Am D I fuck you in the evening underneath the moon Em G skinamarinkydinkydink I'll Am Em (clap clap) still have sex with you, just Am Em (clap clap) please don't come too soon
4.
25 behind me, 30 coming up around the bend I'm suddenly finding that I'm hanging out with all these younger men their stamina and energy are bringing out the cougar in me because its hard, and its hard, and its hard again but now i know just where to go to find a man who maintains are you, hoo, hoo, under 22 then you're a five boner honey wanna five boner night with you i love the sight of a young buck becoming a stag bop em on the head and shove 'em in my cougaring bag they're afraid of commitment you see but that's really working fer me damn you're as cute as can be i'm gonna have to see some ID are you, hoo, hoo, under 22 then you're a five boner man wanna five boner night with you they get real excited when I tell them that I have a trampoline i also have an xbox, candy and a giant bag of weed well a backpacking baby really wanna get laid well I think that I can find you a place to stay and when I get knocked up then i'll tell you how this ends in 20 years from now I'll be fucking my baby's friends ooh, hoo, hoo, under 22 you're a five boner man wanna five boner night with you inexperienced? let me break the tension follow my direction pay attention top left of the clitoris that's the sexy section your sperm is potent always use protection pluck out your only chest hair add to my collection lets have fun now counting your erections 1 2 3 4 5? 5! ee, hee, hee, are you over 16? well I think it's time you lost your virginity baw-naw-no-naw-no-naw-no-naw-nahw-now-na-no.
5.
MEMENTOS OF LOVE C I was cleaning behind the bed B Am B when I found the cumrags that you left C they were tiny and crumpled and B scattered about, they were Am crusty and dried out Dm G like our love Am our crusty love Dm oh our love G our dried out love When I went to throw them out I cried as I walked the halls cuz I found the razor full of your pubes from when you asked me to shave yer balls like our love I shaved our love oh our love will it ever grow back F until this yeast infection goes away C G C you know I'm gonna think of you F I'll look out the window and I'll start to wonder C B Am do you have a yeast infection too (do ya have a yeast infection) F G Am oh, oh, mementos of love F, G Am, G oh, oh, mementos of love I changed the sheets again and my heart just filled with pain from that time that you hit my G-spot and we both made that nasty stain right on our love we stained our love oh our love will it ever wash out And although it gave me the blues, I recycled the sex toys we used to use to use them with a new love would cut too close and it would be unsanitary and gross just like our love our love was gross oh, love love is totally gross I got a funny rash that's starting to spread you know I kind of think that that was you so I look out the window and I start to wonder do you have a funny outbreak, too oh, oh mementos of ewww I think, I'll always remember you
6.
GO FUCK YOURSELF C i'm so tired but you're giving G me the eye i know what you Am want but babe you know what i'm F going to say i'm just too tired to fuck you tonight i've had a busy day and i gotta bad headache but you can fuck yourself, its fine, just crank one out right by my side i'm telling you i just don't mind i'll be fast asleep before your special time now don't be shy we've shared a bed so many times i know you know how, my dear don't stop yourself because i'm here, cuz sometimes baby you come home drunk as all and fucking stoned and when you do i have no doubt that while you sleep i'll rub one out cuz you're just too tired to fuck me tonight you've had too many beers and wine and your dick is soft and i know it won't be mine Am, G, Am, F, G so go ahead and fuck yourself this time you can't have my help give yourself the sweet release tomorrow i will clean the sheets i love you baby oh so much you're comfortable enough to touch and love yourself and your fine crotch forgive me if i start to watch
7.
A, G#/A, Baby since you been gone I been looking a F#m E round, I've been looking a round for someone just like A, G#/A, you, looking to replace, that beautiful F#m E face, that I just can't erase but no one will A, G#/A, do, I took some dudes home from the bar F#m E Just to try and pretend that I was still with you A, G#/A, They kept on using their real names F#m E Even though I asked them very nicely not to A, G#/A, So on the street, in the mall F#m E In the grocery store, I keep looking, yeah even when I look up A G#/A porn I look for dudes that look just like F#m E a-you, but they just don't look they don't look like F#m E you, they look weird and gross D E like they did too many steroids and they got no pubes, y'had F#m E pubes, and you were skinny and fat at the D E very same time, yeah you know I really like that F#m E through all the porn that I find, I fast forward D E rewind, just looking for you, well I D guess what I'm trying to say is baby since you been E gone, I've really started getting into A, G#/A, porn...... F#m E A, G#/A, F#m E I go to the romantic section Looking for a bit of that lovin' action People making videos, with their boyfriends, and their girlfriends, but its not enough that sex looks kinda boring from the outside, there's gotta be some other things that I could try to turn me on, how you turned me on, so I look up E midgets, milfs, instructional, videos, dildoes, gonzo, webcam, hentai, spanking, farting, gloryhole, squirting, strap ons, tick-a-ling balloons, and dino-dragon, vore, and sockjobs, footcrush, diapers, small cock, sneezing, shemales, furries... I think I'm watching too much porn, this was supposed be a song about you but it's clearly not, now its a song about porn, i gotta turn off my computer and go do something useful like the dishes or my taxes now nothing ever excites me anymore ever since you walked out the door i guess what i'm trying to say is i gotta stop watching porn E at least all the porn was A Free...
8.
Assflower 06:24
ASSFLOWER D Bm baby, I've been loving you G Asus for what seems like 3 weeks D Bm okay it has been 3 weeks A G but it feels like a very long time well i met you on vacation and tonight is the very last night tomorrow we both gotta leave this town and take our goodbye flights well i ain't no blushing girl i'm into my prime but i have to let you know that i still got one last first time left to go, although i look like i ain't got an inch of class G i tell you i do, i got 5-6 more A and they're all right up my ass Bm B C C# D and you seem like a perfect fit Bm B C C# D and my heart is telling me Shirley this is it Bm B C C# D I have some lube, and i just took a shit G cuz its gonna take more than just spit D cuz tonight Bm is the night G Asus its tighter than tight D Bm it might take more than an hour G but tonight I give you my Asus aaaaaaaaasssssss flower now baby go slow, be gentle and kind as you stinky your pinky right up my behind but please don't call it assplay its the stupidist thing you could possibly say right now D Bm well i'm glad we talked about it first G Asus you didn't just slip it in G and say it was an accident, and then A try to do it again Bm B those Christians teens they love the fact C C# D that they keep their chastity in tact G so lets get to heaven, lets give it a try A if Jesus loves anal then why can't I? D tonight Bm is the night G Asus its tighter than tight D Bm it might take more than an hour G but tonight i'll give you my Asus aaaaaaaaasssssss flower baby this gift you give to me means more than you'll ever know to let me whip out my cock and place it in your butthole but i think its only fair you're so good, and giving and game that you turn this man around and give him one in the same they call it the pegs and my heart is saying hey dude, spread your legs we don't have to rush, no no we won't miss our flight cuz we're gonna have our shit packed tonight D tonight Bm is the night G Asus its tighter than tight D Bm it might take more than an hour G but tonight i'll give you my Asus aaaaaaaaasssssss flower Bm going downtown Adim stinky and brown G close your eyes baby Asus while i turn around now Bm its winking at you Adim the place where i poo G so tell me baby Asus whatchu gonna do? D Bm G Asus Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! G Asus and it burns, burns, burns, D the ring of fire
9.
THIS FUCKING SONG C I'd rather be having sex than writing this G song, I'd G rather be having sex than writing this C song, well I F C thought that I would write Em Am G because I'm not getting laid tonight G But I'd rather be having sex than writing this C song I'd rather be having sex than singing this song I'd rather be having sex than singing this song, well I like you people a lot but you're no cock in my twat, so I'd rather be having sex than singing this song (jazz chords) I'm totally having sex while recording this song I'm totally having sex while recording this song and its a fantastic lay but the guitar's getting in the way so I'm gonna stop singing this fucking song
10.
Just Friends 12:28
G we been friends for D oh so long C we're so close and G its real nice but people say that there's D something there C a spark between us trying to D start a flame but i'm telling you D there's no fire cuz C i go to bed feeling G moist and wet how could a fire D ever start in such an C inhospitable D vagironment G just because you're a D man that turns me on C G doesn't mean i need you yeah you're a man that D stares at me C right at my ass G like a good friend would you send me messages D late at night Am to tell me how good Bm of friends we are Am I agree, and I touch myself D damn we're such good friends Em C D Em D we can't let this penis come between us C G F#/G literally, or figuratively Em oh oh oh i know what D people try to tell us C G F#/G but heterosexual romance is gay Em and i won't say what i D just can't say C i'm not afraid i just A like to get laid and Am no matter how this starts or ends D i love you baby but we're, just, friends then one night we got drunk i showed you a video you showed me your junk well what a nice friend a friend of mine i showed you my vag cuz i'm polite and kind then we hugged and it felt good it felt like friendship like friendship should went to sleep and spooning led to forking, yeah we forked in bed we can't let this penis come between us except sometimes in a sexual way when we go out and you get hit on I'm not jealous I just like punching people in the face ooh, I'm not afraid ooh, I just like to get laid and no matter how this starts or ends i love you baby but we're, just, friends we pooled our money bought a house together sleep in the same room its more economical twin beds they cost too much your mom got us a king size plenty of room for friends its sharing and i'm not in denial i know that i'm pregnant so could you please stop pointing two very good friends they can have kids it doesn't have to be all weird no we may have let this penis come between us well to be more specific we let it come inside my giant BAby MAkin' uterus accidental pregnant is totally gay and i won't say what I just can't say I'm not afraid I just like to get laid and no matter how this starts or ends I love you baby but we're just We're just... Em C D x3 Am D we had more kids but the reason, you see is that you don't have to pay them to cook and clean they don't laugh they don't even smile they say they're sick of us being in fucking denial well fuck you kids cuz mom and dad we love each other but its not like that you're dad is just the hottest, smartest, greatest friend I ever had we can't let this penis come between us just because we fell in love and got married our kids are wrong this isn't getting serious they sure know how to ruin a family vacation ooh, I'm not afraid ooh, I just like to get laid and no matter how this starts or ends i love you baby but we're, just, friends

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released October 12, 2012

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Shirley Gnome Vancouver, British Columbia

From the west coast of Canada comes this multi-award winning cabaret musician, whose all-original, uncensored music about human nature is hilarious, honest, subversive, smart, empowering, taboo and not for the faint of heart. Her cleverly carnal lyrics go down smooth with her inappropriately gorgeous vocals, and her charm will disarm you through even the most provocative topics. ... more

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