Get all 6 Shirley Gnome releases available on Bandcamp and save 25%.
Includes unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality downloads of TikTakTrax, The Glitter Song (Remix), The Lady of the Night, The Christmas Song, C*untry Music, and Ho Down.
1. |
Old Man
03:40
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OLD MAN
VERSE
D Em A
You got balls like the jowls on a mastiff
D Em A
You got grey hair where there was no grey before
G D
Well your ass is flabby and your face is too
G D
Yer wrinkly and yer smelly and I'm so into you
Em A D
Oh, oh, oh I wanna fuck you old man
D Em A
Sure you're covered in all them liver spots,
D Em A
But you've been around the block, and you know how to get a woman hot
G D
Yer arthritic hands got just the right curve
G D
To give me the pleasure that I deserve
Em A D
Oh, oh, oh I'm gonna fuck you old man.
G D
I love it when you wheeze in my ear
G D
Yer wheezing all the things that I wanna hear
Em A
*wheeze wheeze* Where am I?
G D
After we're done we'll go get a good meal
G D
The senior's special is quite a good deal
Em
But I ain't in it for the cash, I just
A
wanna run my hands down your diaper rash
Yeah, yeah
(instrumental verse)
D Em A
Now I don't say these things to make you feel blue
D Em A
You know sometimes I wish I could take my teeth out too
G D
So let me stroke your balding head
G D
I think its really great that you can't get outta bed
Em A D
Oh, oh, oh I'm gonna fuck you old man
D Am
Old man take a look at your balls they go
Em G
Flap flap flappity flip flip a flippidy
D Am
I need somebody's balls to go
Em G
Slap slap slappidy right into my junkity
D Am
Ah, one look at my thighs and you
Em G
Take that blue pill so you can make a spunkidy
D Am
Old man take a look at your balls they go
Em
Flap flap flappidy flip flop a flippidy
Flap flap flappidy flip flop a flippidy
Flap flap flappidy flip flop a flippidy
Flap flap flappidy flip flop a flippidy doo!
(Instrumental Verse w/ vocal improv)
Em A D
Oh, oh, oh, I fuck an old man...
Em A D
Oh, oh, oh, I fuck an old man....
Em A D
Oh, oh, oh, I fuck an old man...
Em A D
Oh, oh, oh, you're retired.
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2. |
Menage Au Twat
03:29
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MENAGE AU TWAT
A
my lover came and he said to me
Bm
I got a little fantasy
G
its all about you
F
its all about her
A
and its all about me
A
we can go home and enjoy each other
Bm
there's so much more love with another lover
G
don't tell me
F
you can't see the
A
beauty of her
C#m A
its all about the foreplay so
C#m A
forget about her vajayjay
C#m D Dm
to turn this down you'd be crazy, Shirlay
A Cm D
so why don't you and me,
E
make one plus two make three?
A
well that's really great
A
but i'm really straight
A
so get her away from me
D A
get her stinky vagina
E A
right out of my face
D A
get her stinky vagina
E Dm
right out of my face
well he stopped me right there on the patio stairs
put his hands in me underwears
suddenly,
he got more
persuasive
maybe it was the bottle of whiskey
drinking that shit always makes me frisky
cuz before ya knew it
we were getting down to it
2nd basin'
don't knock it til you try it
you can bake or steam or fry it
now i won't just imply it
cuz all of us got nakee
and crawled into my bed...
it was all really great
but i'm still really straight
just like I thought!
so get that stinky vagina
right out of my face
i don't care how drunk i am
the vag is a nasty place
Cm A
its like a baby slug
Cm A
crawled into a peach
Cm A
and the peach began to rot
Cm A
and it got all rubbery
Cm A
and then it rolled under the couch
Cm A
and it got covered in hair
Cm A
and then that chick she went and found it
Cm D
and shoved it in her underwear
Dm
ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
so i said to him
i won't do this again
cuz I think you're great
but I'll always be straight
that's why I like fucking you
how bout next time
bring over another dick
cuz now you owe me
E A
one man on each tit!
E A
one man on each tit!
E A
and one hand on each dick!
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3. |
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JAMES AND THE GIANT PEACH
Em G
my friend came up to me
Am D
he said "I gotta make this quick,
Em G
i gotta real big confession to make,
Am Em (clap clap)
and it's that i have a tiny dick
Am Em (clap clap)
i have a tiny little baby dick.
(pause)
I said, "well hey, that's great, I guess
but why you telling me?
you know i love the massive cock
or my name ain't Shir-a-ley
or my name ain't shir-a-ley.
He said, "i think you're wrong about the dong
and how it must be hung
cuz i make up for everything
with the way i use my tongue
the way i use my tongue those
G
stupid fucks with their big wheel trucks
Am
chrome nuts on the back
A Em
trying to make up all they lack with their ride
G
yeah the well equipped that don't move their hips
Am
their junk is just for pride it won't
A
keep her satisfied
Em G
i got a winky, i got a thumbtack yeah
Am D
yeah i'm not afraid to say
Em G
i gotta weewee, i got a stumpy
Am D
but it don't get in my way
Em G
cuz a woman's soul is a bottomless hole
Am D
but the vag 4 inches deep
Em G
with all this skill you'll get your fill
Am Em (clap clap)
and never get to sleep
Am Em (clap clap)
you won't never get to sleep
yeah.....
Em, G, Am, D
Em, G, Am, Em
Am, Em
my mind was blown
and overthrown
i knew he hadn't lied
i'd screamed so loud for the well endowed
but left unsatisfied
but, "sometimes you just can't beat
a big ol' piece of meat
cuz a giant schlong's like a perfect song
it both
can and can't be beat.
it both can and can't be beat."
he just laughed, and did some math
and said, "if what i got,
just ain't enough, you can buy that stuff
and any dildo store, and oh so so much more"
those
G
stupid fucks with their big wheel trucks
Am
chrome nuts on the back
A Em
trying to make up all they lack with their ride
G
yeah the well equipped that don't move their hips
Am
their junk is just for pride it won't
A
keep her satisfied
Em G
i got a winky, i got a thumbtack yeah
Am D
yeah i'm not afraid to say
Em G
i gotta weewee, i got a stumpy
Am D
but it don't get in my way
Em G
cuz a woman's soul is a bottomless hole
Am D
but the vag 4 inches deep
Em G
with all this skill you'll get your fill
Am Em (clap clap)
and never get to sleep
Am Em (clap clap)
you won't never get to sleep
G C D
Is your dick like james, and your balls are a giant peach?
G C D
like the shit you see when you're walking down wreck beach?
Am G
all those nudes got attitudes they walkin around so proud
Am D
but i know what they're looking for is someone to yell out loud
i love your weenie
your cocktail weenie
gimme that juicy
baby pickle I wanna
eat your mini corn dog
you gotta give it all to me
cuz a woman's soul is a bottomless hole
the vag four inches deep
all this skill
get your fill
never get to sleep
never get to sleep
break it down now
E, E,
E, E, B, D
E, E,
E, E, B, D
If you're confidant put yo hands up
If you don't give a fuck put yo hands up
If yo style is slick put yo hands up
if you gotta small dick put yo hands up
if you gotta small dick put yo hands up
if you got a baby carrot put your hands up
if your balls are like marbles put your hands... too soon?
Em G
Am D
Em G
Am D
Em G
skinamarinkydinkydink,
Am D
skinamarinky doo,
Em G
i don't care how small it is, I'll
Am D
still have sex with you
Em G
I fuck you in the morning in the afternoon,
Am D
I fuck you in the evening underneath the moon
Em G
skinamarinkydinkydink I'll
Am Em (clap clap)
still have sex with you, just
Am Em (clap clap)
please don't come too soon
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4. |
Five Boner Night
03:11
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25 behind me, 30 coming up around the bend
I'm suddenly finding that I'm hanging out with all these younger men
their stamina and energy
are bringing out the cougar in me
because its hard, and its hard, and its hard again
but now i know just where to go to find a man who maintains
are you, hoo, hoo, under 22
then you're a five boner honey
wanna five boner night with you
i love the sight of a young buck becoming a stag
bop em on the head and shove 'em in my cougaring bag
they're afraid of commitment you see
but that's really working fer me
damn you're as cute as can be
i'm gonna have to see some ID
are you, hoo, hoo, under 22
then you're a five boner man
wanna five boner night with you
they get real excited when I tell them that I have a trampoline
i also have an xbox, candy and a giant bag of weed
well a backpacking baby really wanna get laid
well I think that I can find you a place to stay and when I
get knocked up then i'll tell you how this ends
in 20 years from now I'll be fucking my baby's friends
ooh, hoo, hoo, under 22
you're a five boner man
wanna five boner night with you
inexperienced?
let me break the tension
follow my direction
pay attention
top left of the clitoris
that's the sexy section
your sperm is potent
always use protection
pluck out your only chest hair
add to my collection
lets have fun now
counting your erections
1
2
3
4
5?
5!
ee, hee, hee, are you over 16?
well I think it's time you lost
your virginity
baw-naw-no-naw-no-naw-no-naw-nahw-now-na-no.
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5. |
Mementos of Love
04:07
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MEMENTOS OF LOVE
C
I was cleaning behind the bed
B Am B
when I found the cumrags that you left
C
they were tiny and crumpled and
B
scattered about, they were
Am
crusty and dried out
Dm G
like our love
Am
our crusty love
Dm
oh our love
G
our dried out love
When I went to throw them out
I cried as I walked the halls
cuz I found the razor full of your pubes
from when you asked me to shave yer balls
like our love
I shaved our love
oh our love
will it ever grow back
F
until this yeast infection goes away
C G C
you know I'm gonna think of you
F
I'll look out the window and I'll start to wonder
C B Am
do you have a yeast infection too
(do ya have a yeast infection)
F G Am
oh, oh, mementos of love
F, G Am, G
oh, oh, mementos of love
I changed the sheets again
and my heart just filled with pain
from that time that you hit my G-spot
and we both made that nasty stain
right on our love
we stained our love
oh our love
will it ever wash out
And although it gave me the blues, I recycled the
sex toys we used to use
to use them with a new love would cut too close
and it would be unsanitary and gross
just like our love
our love was gross
oh, love
love is totally gross
I got a funny rash that's starting to spread
you know I kind of think that that was you
so I look out the window and I start to wonder
do you have a funny outbreak, too
oh, oh mementos of ewww
I think, I'll always remember you
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6. |
Go Fuck Yourself
03:03
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GO FUCK YOURSELF
C
i'm so tired but you're giving
G
me the eye i know what you
Am
want but babe you know what i'm
F
going to say
i'm just too tired
to fuck you tonight
i've had a busy day and i
gotta bad headache
but you can fuck yourself, its fine, just
crank one out right by my side
i'm telling you i just don't mind
i'll be fast asleep before your special time
now don't be shy
we've shared a bed so many times
i know you know how, my dear
don't stop yourself because i'm here, cuz sometimes baby
you come home
drunk as all and fucking stoned
and when you do i have no doubt
that while you sleep i'll rub one out
cuz you're just too tired
to fuck me tonight you've
had too many beers and wine
and your dick is soft and i know it won't be mine
Am, G, Am, F, G
so go ahead and fuck yourself
this time you can't have my help
give yourself the sweet release
tomorrow i will clean the sheets
i love you baby oh so much
you're comfortable enough to touch and
love yourself and your fine crotch
forgive me if i start to watch
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7. |
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A, G#/A,
Baby since you been gone I been looking a
F#m E
round, I've been looking a round for someone just like
A, G#/A,
you, looking to replace, that beautiful
F#m E
face, that I just can't erase but no one will
A, G#/A,
do, I took some dudes home from the bar
F#m E
Just to try and pretend that I was still with you
A, G#/A,
They kept on using their real names
F#m E
Even though I asked them very nicely not to
A, G#/A,
So on the street, in the mall
F#m E
In the grocery store, I keep looking, yeah even when I look up
A G#/A
porn I look for dudes that look just like
F#m E
a-you, but they just don't look they don't look like
F#m E
you, they look weird and gross
D E
like they did too many steroids and they got no pubes, y'had
F#m E
pubes, and you were skinny and fat at the
D E
very same time, yeah you know I really like that
F#m E
through all the porn that I find, I fast forward
D E
rewind, just looking for you, well I
D
guess what I'm trying to say is baby since you been
E
gone, I've really started getting into
A, G#/A,
porn......
F#m E
A, G#/A,
F#m E
I go to the romantic section
Looking for a bit of that lovin' action
People making videos, with their boyfriends, and their
girlfriends, but its not enough
that sex looks kinda boring from the outside,
there's gotta be some other things that I could try
to turn me on, how you turned me on, so I look up
E
midgets, milfs, instructional, videos, dildoes, gonzo, webcam, hentai, spanking, farting, gloryhole, squirting, strap ons, tick-a-ling balloons, and dino-dragon, vore, and sockjobs, footcrush, diapers, small cock, sneezing, shemales, furries...
I think I'm watching too much
porn, this was supposed be a song about
you but it's clearly not, now its a song about
porn, i gotta turn off my computer and
go do something useful like the
dishes or my taxes
now nothing ever excites me anymore
ever since you walked out the door
i guess what i'm trying to say is
i gotta stop watching porn
E
at least all the porn was
A
Free...
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8. |
Assflower
06:24
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ASSFLOWER
D Bm
baby, I've been loving you
G Asus
for what seems like 3 weeks
D Bm
okay it has been 3 weeks
A G
but it feels like a very long time
well i met you on vacation
and tonight is the very last night
tomorrow we both gotta leave this town
and take our goodbye flights
well i ain't no blushing girl
i'm into my prime
but i have to let you know
that i still got one last first time
left to go, although i look like
i ain't got an inch of class
G
i tell you i do, i got 5-6 more
A
and they're all right up my ass
Bm B C C# D
and you seem like a perfect fit
Bm B C C# D
and my heart is telling me Shirley this is it
Bm B C C# D
I have some lube, and i just took a shit
G
cuz its gonna take more than just
spit
D
cuz tonight
Bm
is the night
G Asus
its tighter than tight
D Bm
it might take more than an hour
G
but tonight I give you my
Asus
aaaaaaaaasssssss flower
now baby go slow, be gentle and kind
as you stinky your pinky right up my behind but
please don't call it assplay
its the stupidist thing you could possibly say right now
D Bm
well i'm glad we talked about it first
G Asus
you didn't just slip it in
G
and say it was an accident, and then
A
try to do it again
Bm B
those Christians teens they love the fact
C C# D
that they keep their chastity in tact
G
so lets get to heaven, lets give it a try
A
if Jesus loves anal then why can't I?
D
tonight
Bm
is the night
G Asus
its tighter than tight
D Bm
it might take more than an hour
G
but tonight i'll give you my
Asus
aaaaaaaaasssssss flower
baby this gift you give to me
means more than you'll ever know
to let me whip out my cock
and place it in your butthole
but i think its only fair
you're so good, and giving and game
that you turn this man around
and give him one in the same
they call it the pegs
and my heart is saying hey dude, spread your legs
we don't have to rush, no no we won't miss our flight
cuz we're gonna have our shit packed tonight
D
tonight
Bm
is the night
G Asus
its tighter than tight
D Bm
it might take more than an hour
G
but tonight i'll give you my
Asus
aaaaaaaaasssssss flower
Bm
going downtown
Adim
stinky and brown
G
close your eyes baby
Asus
while i turn around now
Bm
its winking at you
Adim
the place where i poo
G
so tell me baby
Asus
whatchu gonna do?
D Bm G Asus
Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
G Asus
and it burns, burns, burns,
D
the ring of fire
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9. |
The Fucking Song
01:53
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THIS FUCKING SONG
C
I'd rather be having sex than writing this
G
song, I'd
G
rather be having sex than writing this
C
song, well I
F C
thought that I would write
Em Am G
because I'm not getting laid tonight
G
But I'd rather be having sex than writing this
C
song
I'd rather be having sex than singing this
song
I'd rather be having sex than singing this
song, well I
like you people a lot
but you're no cock in my
twat, so I'd
rather be having sex than singing this
song
(jazz chords)
I'm totally having sex
while recording this song
I'm totally having sex
while recording this song
and its a fantastic lay
but the guitar's getting in the way
so I'm gonna stop singing
this fucking
song
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10. |
Just Friends
12:28
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G
we been friends for
D
oh so long
C
we're so close and
G
its real nice
but people say
that there's
D
something there
C
a spark between us trying to
D
start a flame
but i'm telling you
D
there's no fire cuz
C
i go to bed feeling
G
moist and wet
how could a fire
D
ever start
in such an
C
inhospitable
D
vagironment
G
just because you're a
D
man that turns me on
C G
doesn't mean i need you
yeah you're a man that
D
stares at me
C
right at my ass
G
like a good friend would
you send me messages
D
late at night
Am
to tell me how good
Bm
of friends we are
Am
I agree, and I touch myself
D
damn we're such good friends
Em C D
Em D
we can't let this penis come between us
C G F#/G
literally, or figuratively
Em
oh oh oh i know what
D
people try to tell us
C G F#/G
but heterosexual romance
is gay
Em
and i won't say what i
D
just can't say
C
i'm not afraid i just
A
like to get laid and
Am
no matter how this starts or ends
D
i love you baby but we're, just, friends
then one night
we got drunk
i showed you a video
you showed me your junk
well what a nice friend
a friend of mine
i showed you my vag cuz i'm
polite and kind
then we hugged
and it felt good
it felt like friendship
like friendship should
went to sleep
and spooning led
to forking, yeah we
forked in bed
we can't let this penis come between us
except sometimes in a sexual way
when we go out
and you get hit on
I'm not jealous
I just like punching people
in the face
ooh, I'm not afraid
ooh, I just like to get laid and
no matter how this starts or ends
i love you baby but we're, just, friends
we pooled our money
bought a house together
sleep in the same room
its more economical
twin beds
they cost too much
your mom got us a king size
plenty of room for
friends
its sharing
and i'm not in denial
i know that i'm pregnant
so could you please stop pointing
two very good friends
they can have kids
it doesn't have to be all weird no
we may have let this
penis come between us
well to be more specific
we let it come inside
my giant BAby MAkin' uterus
accidental pregnant is
totally gay
and i won't say
what I just can't say
I'm not afraid
I just like to get laid and
no matter how this starts or ends
I love you baby but we're just
We're just...
Em C D x3
Am D
we had more kids
but the reason, you see
is that you don't have to pay them
to cook and clean
they don't laugh
they don't even smile
they say they're sick of us being
in fucking denial
well fuck you kids
cuz mom and dad we
love each other
but its not like that
you're dad is just the hottest, smartest, greatest
friend I ever had
we can't let this
penis come between us
just because we fell in love
and got married
our kids are wrong
this isn't getting serious
they sure know how to ruin
a family vacation
ooh, I'm not afraid
ooh, I just like to get laid and
no matter how this starts or ends
i love you baby but we're, just, friends
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Shirley Gnome Vancouver, British Columbia
From the west coast of Canada comes this multi-award winning cabaret musician, whose all-original, uncensored music about human nature is hilarious, honest, subversive, smart, empowering, taboo and not for the faint of heart. Her cleverly carnal lyrics go down smooth with her inappropriately gorgeous vocals, and her charm will disarm you through even the most provocative topics. ... more
